Rainbows (Gen 9)

Genesis 9

1And God blessed Noah and his sons, and said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth. 2And the fear of you and the dread of you shall be upon every beast of the earth, and upon every fowl of the air, upon all that moveth upon the earth, and upon all the fishes of the sea; into your hand are they delivered.

• The fear and dread of Noah and his sons shall be upon every animal? This makes no sense.
  

3Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things.

• As it has always been.
  

4But flesh with the life thereof, which is the blood thereof, shall ye not eat.

• I actually agree with God here. This statement is talking about cannibalism.
  

5And surely your blood of your lives will I require; at the hand of every beast will I require it, and at the hand of man; at the hand of every man's brother will I require the life of man. 6Whoso sheddeth man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed: for in the image of God made he man. 7And you, be ye fruitful, and multiply; bring forth abundantly in the earth, and multiply therein.

• God's first "thou shalt kill" law; The death penalty for murder.
  

8And God spake unto Noah, and to his sons with him, saying, 9And I, behold, I establish my covenant with you, and with your seed after you; 10And with every living creature that is with you, of the fowl, of the cattle, and of every beast of the earth with you; from all that go out of the ark, to every beast of the earth. 11And I will establish my covenant with you, neither shall all flesh be cut off any more by the waters of a flood; neither shall there any more be a flood to destroy the earth. 12And God said, This is the token of the covenant which I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for perpetual generations:

13I do set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be for a token of a covenant between me and the earth. 14And it shall come to pass, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that the bow shall be seen in the cloud:

• Here, God "invents" the rainbow as a promise. We all know God doesn't create rainbows. What is nonsense like this even doing in the Bible? Rainbows are optical and meteorological phenomena that cause a spectrum of light to appear in the sky when the Sun shines onto droplets of moisture in the Earth's atmosphere. Every grade schooler knows this.

15And I will remember my covenant, which is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh; and the waters shall no more become a flood to destroy all flesh. 16And the bow shall be in the cloud; and I will look upon it, that I may remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is upon the earth. 17And God said unto Noah, This is the token of the covenant, which I have established between me and all flesh that is upon the earth.

• This conversation never took place. God wouldn't be "promising" anything to be in the sky if all these conditions already existed in the creation of the universe with stars, and in the creation of the Earth with water in the first place. This just goes to show you that whenever these people didn't understand something, they say "God did it."
  

18And the sons of Noah, that went forth of the ark, were Shem, and Ham, and Japheth: and Ham is the father of Canaan.

• Here, before we even get to the bloodlines of Noah's children, importance is already stressed on Canaan in order to be named in this verse.
  

19These are the three sons of Noah: and of them was the whole earth overspread.

• Sure, Bible... Whatever you say.
  

20And Noah began to be an husbandman, and he planted a vineyard:

• "Began" to be a husbandman? And where did Noah miraculously get all these seeds that survived in what turned out to be a 40 day, then 150 day, then 5 months, then 7 months, then an 11 month flood? (It went from (7:11) "In the six hundredth year of Noah's life, in the second month.." to (8:13) "And it came to pass in the six hundredth and first year, in the first month, the first day of the month, the waters were dried up from off the earth.." They didn't actually step off the boat until the next month.)

21And he drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent.

• The "righteous" Noah also miraculously knows how to make liquor. It's apparently ok to drink and get drunk at least every once in a while according to God. The "only" righteous man on Earth God decided to save in the flood is obviously an accomplished wine maker and a drunkard.
  

22And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brethren without.

• Again, importance is stressed on Canaan before this even leads into the section of bloodlines in the next chapter. We'll see why here in a second.
  

23And Shem and Japheth took a garment, and laid it upon both their shoulders, and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were backward, and they saw not their father's nakedness.

• Notice that Ham has done nothing but tell his brothers that daddy is drunk and naked.
  

24And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him.

• Ham has done nothing but see Noah naked, tell his brothers, which resulted in Shem and Japheth covering him up. This doesn't make sense.
  

25And he said, Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren.

• Why is the "righteous" Noah cursing his grandson for no reason at all?
  

26And he said, Blessed be the LORD God of Shem; and Canaan shall be his servant.

• Here we have Noah giving Canaan an order to be Shem's slave for no reason at all.
  

27God shall enlarge Japheth, and he shall dwell in the tents of Shem; and Canaan shall be his servant.

• Here Noah is ordering God to "enlarge" Japheth, then ordering Japheth to live in Shem's tents, and again ordering Canaan to be a servant. Noah's a mean old drunk. You'll be surprised to find out that this is not literal, however.
  

28And Noah lived after the flood three hundred and fifty years. 29And all the days of Noah were nine hundred and fifty years: and he died.

• So far in the story, Earth is "supposedly" 2006 years old based solely on the ages of people given in the bloodlines of Adam.